Aviation Humor

Attributed quotes from individuals, wisdom from the ages, and other good things to know.
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ricochet
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Aviation Humor

Post by ricochet » Sun Feb 26, 2006 10:36 am

Aviation Humor
============

If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.

Navy carrier pilots to Air Force pilots: Flaring is like squatting to pee.

When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.

What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

Never trade luck for skill.

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh S#!+!"

Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.

Progress in airline flying; now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.

Airspeed, altitude or brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.

A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.

I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.

Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!

Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.

Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding it or doing anything about it.

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.

Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.

Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II. When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)

A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down. (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)

Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing. (sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location Kadena, Japan).

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F. Crickmore - test pilot)

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.

There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time. (Author unknown, but someone who's been there)

"Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV." (A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit' of an A-320).

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.

Basic Flying Rules:
1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.
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Digital Dan
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Post by Digital Dan » Sat Jun 10, 2006 8:28 pm

[quote]If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to. [/quote]

Nah, that's why we have so many parts. It's called redundancy. :roll:
"Not that the story need be long, but it will take a long while to make it short." Henry David Thoreau

DML
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Post by DML » Sun Dec 17, 2006 3:33 pm

I may have missed it, but I didn't see this one....

Any landing that you can walk away from is a good landing. If you can use the plane again, it's a great landing.

BillDan
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Post by BillDan » Sat Aug 30, 2008 8:36 pm

Digital Dan wroteCOLON
If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.
Nah, that's why we have so many parts. It's called redundancy. :roll:
Having worked on more aircraft than I care to remember, I can firmly attest to the fact that helicopters are the only aircraft that accumulate more hours in maintenance than they do in the air.

Badger Matt
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Post by Badger Matt » Wed Oct 15, 2008 5:19 pm

Never fly in a helicopter that's not leaking oil....because it's obviously out of oil.

Never fly in anything whose glide ratio approximates that of a brick = stay out of helicopters.

BillDan
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Post by BillDan » Thu Oct 16, 2008 6:29 am

That's not funny, Matt!! It's the truth. :)

Here's another one: A superior airman is one who's superior judgement keeps him from having to use his superior skills!

westerner

Re: Aviation Humor

Post by westerner » Fri Jan 24, 2014 2:01 pm

Woman who fly upside down have crack up. Image


Joe.

George Babits
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Re: Aviation Humor

Post by George Babits » Fri Jan 24, 2014 8:25 pm

Also forgotten. "The most useless thing in the wold is altitude above you."

By the way, don't ever pull the ripcord when you are still in the cockpit!

George
Salmon, Idaho

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montana_charlie
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Re: Aviation Humor

Post by montana_charlie » Sat Jan 25, 2014 12:31 pm

If you are flying at night when your engine fails, turn on your landing lights.
If you don't like what you see ... turn 'em off.
Retired...twice. Now, just raisin' cows and livin' on borrowed time.

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