Rules for Dating My Daughters

Attributed quotes from individuals, wisdom from the ages, and other good things to know.
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Rules for Dating My Daughters

Post by ricochet » Sun Feb 26, 2006 10:04 am

Rules for Dating My Daughters:

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating at all. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to entice my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these ten simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too-- there are only ten of them, for crying out loud!

And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate --ink washes off--and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative. One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. "Don't you remember being that age?" she challenged. Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the ten simple rules?

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Re: Rules for Dating My Daughters

Post by h&r buffalo guy » Thu Jul 29, 2010 5:11 pm

Amen. I have four of them. And I do not use an electric nail gun. 16 penny and a ball peen. Works every time.

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Re: Rules for Dating My Daughters

Post by Bad Ass Wallace » Sun Aug 01, 2010 8:43 pm

I remember the time my daughter came home all smiles," A boy has asked me out".

Let's get this dating thing rght from the start, " If a boy wants to take you out, he comes home and asks me first!" That's rule number 0 and precedes all the other 10 :twisted: :twisted:
Hold Still Varmint; while I Plugs Yer!

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Re: Rules for Dating My Daughters

Post by BigOtto » Sun Apr 21, 2013 8:24 am

Even before he is allowed to talk to my daughter I expect a 10,000 word essay titled,
"what are my intensions with Emily" and full drug tests of urine, blood and hair,
and a complete geneology going back to Adam.

With that being accomplished then the young fellow is required to have a sit down discussion with the old man where he will expected to discuss at length the history of firearms and their impact on the developement of human society and a discussion as to why the 1911 pistol was the most important firearm in human history.

Then he will be forced to listen to me rant about the importance of understanding a capitolist society and the difference between a good education and work ethics compared to generational abuse of the socialist welfare dole.

If, I say IF, he is capable of performing these duties I will set the brothers and grandfather upon his soul :shock: where only God and the Angels will have any chance of saving him.

You gonna pull them pistols or whislte dixie?